Stronger Than Pride
by Euriella
Summary: In the eyes of a familiar silver eyed boy, nothing would be more satisfying than breaking down the walls of someone as fierce and passionate as Kanda Yuu. But when it comes down to it, is it really worth a man who's just as uptight, stubborn, and crazy as he is? "What's the point?" Kanda asks. "The point is you're lying, to everyone. But you can't fool someone who does it too."
1. Battle Scars

Missions were a part of life.

They more or less ran the Black Order. You were given a job and you were expected to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. Us exorcists were the ones who were supposed to save the world and keep it rid of evil… or something like that. It's all pretty complicated once you join us and figure out what it's all really about. It becomes more than "just a job;" more than just "saving the world."

It was my job, my duty as an exorcist to complete these missions, and it was better to do it with a smile. Nothing was ever easy, but with a Master like mine your choices were pretty limited. So I did, and I'll admit that in the beginning I loved every minute of it. The people I was surrounded with, the things I got to do. I'd already gotten used to the traveling because of Master, but this was something entirely different.

I'd like to think I was good at what I did. I had my friends; my family by my side nearly all the time, and we fought together on the field as a unit. It was the one thing that could really bring joy to my life more than one other person. It was hard to place my feelings around that man most of the time, when he usually acted like such an ass. I don't know, I guess it was weird, but despite how much effort he put in for me to hate him, I really did like Kanda Yuu more than people care to know.

Kanda was… strange. He always acted so uptight and edgy; constantly on alert and extremely guarded. And yet, somehow that was all I needed for him to draw me in. I felt like I needed to tear down those walls, and put meaning and joy into his life, which he was obviously lacking. He was also very interesting, and he often left me in awe of himself on more than one occasion. He was skilled, he was accurate, and he was stunning all at the same time. He made it look easy when most of us could probably never do the things he did. His determination was definitely something to admire.

It was sad that such a beautiful creature was hidden behind that eternal frown and that sharp tongue of his. Perhaps if he smiled a bit more it would make things easier, but it was a good thing I liked a challenge. It may have been odd to him if I were to ever tell him such things, at least at one point. But I don't think I'm able to surprise him on many occasions anymore.

"_Pay attention, Moyashi!"_ I hear the low, angry voice faintly in the back of my mind, but I'm still daydreaming. It's not enough to jolt me out of my thoughts because I'm used to him yelling at me. Slowly, they begin to fade as the voice persists, my brow creasing in annoyance as it's joined by others in a jumbled chant. _"Allen… Allen, Allen… Allen what are you doing?"_

I gasp at the sound of an explosion, immediately snapping back into focus. Bits of debris flew in every direction, including mine. A giant ball of orange flame is heading straight for me and I only have time to dive straight into a pile of garbage to escape it. The smell causes my nose to burn and my eyes to water, my throat beginning to itch as I make my way to the top of the waste for air. The smell is almost enough to make me gag, like someone had taken a thousand dead bodies and rolled them in moldy bread crumbs, with an added sunbaked effect to top it off. The sound of laughter trickles into my ears, and I turn to the source with an annoyed, half-lidded expression to see Lavi and Lenalee still cracking up on the side.

"Allen, look out!" A feminine voice calls to me, but I don't know exactly where. It's followed by a piercing zipping sound. Someone is moving behind me, and I'm betting it's an Akuma, so I whip around and go to attack it with Crown Clown. I realize I wasn't fast enough, fearing the worst when it's lanky, mangled body charges full speed at me. I close my eyes and reach out to defend myself as much as I can, both arms raised, until it stops just an inch shy of me. Confusion takes me over when I figure out I'm not dead, prompting me to open my eyes and find out why_. It doesn't make sense; I should've been hit_, I think to myself as I look at the body shadowing me from above. I spot the glint of a blade stuck between the middle of its torso, and breathe a sigh of relief. But I know I shouldn't be relieved, because that should've never happened. The blade travels down the entire thing at warp speed until its split in half, followed by Kanda with his usual unimpressed look of annoyance set on me.

His dark eyes are cold with disappointment, making me want to coil beneath my fears and beg for mercy. He doesn't even have to say it; I know. He shouldn't have had to do that. But he just saved my life.

'I don't have time for your fucking shit, Moyashi.' I wish he would say it, but he doesn't speak. He simply scoffs and moves to his next target. Somehow, he always manages to lose his shirt in every battle, which can make it really hard for me to focus with a body like that. One after another he slices into the Akuma, with such an alarming amount of precision; catching level one's and two's like it's nobody's business. He's swift and his actions are smooth, nearly flawless and still, somehow, he's able to escape with a few lame scratches on his arms.

_Stay focused, Allen. You'd stand in awe and watch him all day if you could, but you're not about to be proven totally useless just yet._

Smoke rises from one of the buildings, which has somehow managed to catch fire, and my eyes zero in on Lavi's giant hammer ripping into an Akuma without hesitation. I glance down the side of the road I'm on. Hundreds of houses sat, that had long since been abandoned. We were sent here because there was supposed to be innocence, but instead we'd just found another swarm of Akuma, mostly levels one and two.

I turn once more to find a few level one's and two's of my own. Clown Belt does the trick for them, and already are we mowing them down faster now that I've actually got my ass into gear. I can't help but feel guilty and try to put extra effort into it because of the way I slacked before. I can never help that feeling, it haunts me. I'm not known for slacking, it's not really my style. It's strange the way Kanda can just creep in on me and take me over, make me do almost anything, even if it's something like this that I'm so passionate about.

I look around once I've taken out the rest of the Akuma in my general area, breathing hard and heavy as I halt to a standstill. I take a moment to relax, careful to have hidden myself this time behind another broken down structure, this one a little bit sturdier than the last.

For some reason, I couldn't keep Kanda off my mind. It wasn't irregular; actually, it was quite a normal thing for me to be thinking about him. But it was more than just a casual thought anymore. It almost scared me because by now I knew something like my thoughts suggested could never be.

A screeching sound jolted me out of my thoughts once again, and I turned just in time to see Lavi getting tossed across the entire compound. I couldn't help the smile that came to my face, or the small laugh that rolled off my tongue either. Karma was quick and painful, and if anyone knew that, Lavi did. I make my way to him, weaving through chunks of building and cars; offset pillars and such to help him out. The Akuma is quite large, which startles me. All the others were smaller and easier to take out.

"It's a level three," I hear Kanda say, which sends shivers down my back. He's right behind me and I didn't even notice. "Let me take care of it."

"No, I will," I say, nodding in his direction. It's probably the least I can do for him saving my ass earlier. And I'm not totally useless, you know…

"Clearly you can't do it if I had to save you once, Moyashi. You're lucky I was around or you'd be dead."

"Then why do it in the first place—"

"Uh, ladies," Lavi interrupts as he's shaking off the last of the rubble on his uniform. "Perhaps you can finish that when we're not about to get _killed_. "

"Right," Kanda and I both say in unison, which earns an awkward glance back at each other. I urge him to go with my silver eyes, and he leaves just as quickly to escape the embarrassment. I start running in the same direction as him, as Lenalee has taken the other side to help Lavi. It looks as if all of us are gonna take it at once.

A shrill, piercing scream turns into a low growl as we approach the Akuma, powerful enough to shake the ground and shake us right off our feet. Kanda is the first to take his fall and I'm right behind him with Lavi. Numerous pieces of debris in all shapes and sizes fly past us, and I fear I might get hit if I'm not careful. I manage to latch onto a boulder sticking out of the ground to stop myself from getting too far from the Akuma; just as soon do I jump back up to finish the job.

Kanda was able to recover faster than I, which may have been a good idea if he wasn't caught in the path of the level three. He slips in front of it all too easily, battling it with his blade but it won't let up. In fact, it seems to be enjoying itself; enjoying the way it taunts Kanda, and Kanda takes the bait. I can sense something bad is going to happen. I wonder where the others are but I can't hear them, can't see them anywhere. All I see is Kanda taken a dangerous step towards his enemy with no means of giving up.

I reach out, calling to Kanda as he's being thrown just like Lavi was, and when he lands, he turns to me. For once, the only thing that's dead set in those dark eyes is utter shock. His eyes widen to their fullest length, and I can practically feel his alarm from all the way over here. I go to scream his name once again when I see the level three getting nearer but suddenly I've lost my voice.

I take a breath, prepared to go to his side and fight with him, knowing I can do it in silence when I feel something. It stops me dead in my tracks, a shot of panic running through every inch of my body as I begin to register what's happening. It's warm, it's wet, and it's running down my face. I can feel the warmth of it, slowly trickling down, and then suddenly it's everywhere. It frightens me, again striking me with confusion as my hands reach up to touch it. An even greater shock consumes me when my hands come back into view covered in my own… blood.

I try to walk but I'm instantly struck with a dizzy feeling that turns into nausea. The entire area around me starts to shift in my vision, and soon I find myself on the floor. The entire way down I can feel myself slipping away, with nothing but the cold darkness of defeat to slap me right into unconsciousness.


	2. Waking Up

My eyes slowly drift open, slightly blinded by the bright light hanging over my head. It's so bright that I have to close my eyes again, trying to shield them from the light. I quickly discover that I can't, though, because my arms are too tired to move, so I just sit there, eyes closed and trying to think of a way to make this easier. It takes a moment for me to readjust, and when I do I start to become more aware of my surroundings. Soft beeping noises are heard from all over the room, mixed with the distasteful smell of bleach and other cleansing materials.

My vision starts to clear and when it does I become very aware of this dull pain in the back of my head. Even as I try to ignore it, it only seems to poke and prod more in the sides of my brain, the back of my eyes, and the back of my head. I want to sit up but I still can't find the strength, so I just settle with leaning on the side of the bed. I manage to work up the strength to reach a hand up to wipe my eyes, wincing at the pain I feel just by moving. Again I reach up, this time to feel my forehead, find that along with feeling like my entire body has been plugged up with a bunch of wet, soggy napkins, I'm also hot to the touch. And when I breathe, I can hear the snot. I instantly feel an overwhelming urge to vomit when I realize this, but somehow I'm able to hold it back for the sake of staying awake.

I tip my head back and sink back down into my bed, the plastic mattress squeaking as I do, which only magnifies the growing pain in my head. Not even I could make anything good out of this, which was usually where I specialized. There was really no other way to describe this situation to myself besides _THIS ABSOLUTELY BLOWS._

This scene is easily recognizable after most of my missions, but it's been a while since it's been something quite like this. My thoughts are running a mile a minute, millions of questions running through my head. I force myself to calm down, try to breathe because each thing I do seems to only make my head ache. Bits and pieces of my last mission starting to float back into my memory, disrupted only by how uncomfortable I felt in this bed, in this room, with no one really near me except for the occasional nurse that came in and out of view to tend to other patients. I wondered where mine was. I was in so much pain, distraught, disoriented and I didn't know wh—

"Oh my god." The words fly out of my mouth with an intense amount of bile collecting behind them, mouth hung open in complete and utter shock, unable to keep the panic away. I try closing my mouth and swallowing it, but I soon met with the fact that I just can't. It starts to creep up my throat, until it's forcing me to let it out. I throw up into the nearest open space. Luckily there was a trash can right there, or the Head Nurse might've killed me after seeing it. This place was nearly spotless each time I'd come here, unless a new mangled patient had arrived. When I was done, I just let myself hang there, dangling from my bed which wasn't too high off the ground, and I moaned—in pain, in embarrassment, in _everything_.

_Allen, what the bloody hell were you doing out there?!_ I screamed at myself, closing my eyes as I lay, suspended, and I welcomed the wave of nausea that followed this time. My entire world was literally upside down, and I could still taste the vomit, could smell it even from the trash can.

"Hey, don't do that!" I heard someone yelling, the voice rising as they come closer to me, their hurried footsteps scuttling across the linoleum. The voice was strong and intimidating, much like the woman who it belonged to. The Head Nurse was nobody to kid around with. She was not innocent, or sweet. She made sure she did her job 100% and didn't hesitate to go through drastic measures to achieve this goal. She also never hesitated to teach you a lesson if you got out of line.

I started to moan again when she began to right me in my bed, closing my eyes as I was put into place. I might've vomited all over her if I'd kept them open, and then I'd really be dead.

_You should be dead, you dumbass,_ mocked the voices in my head. Again, I welcomed it.

My stomach was still churning even as I sat up, almost enough to make me completely forget about the pain, but I wasn't lucky enough. I bend over, feel the adhesive from the bandages on my head start to pull at my skin as they start to come off. Colliding with everything I felt was the feeling of complete and utter shame, and I think that was the part of me that said,_ "Yes Allen, you bloody idiot, you deserve to feel this pain after the stunt you pulled the other day."_

"So I see you're finally awake," She says, interrupting my internal damning session and I jump instantly at the sound of her voice, even though I've heard it a million times before. It feels as though she can hear everything I'm saying to myself in my head, which is quite embarrassing to think about.

"Y-yeah…" I stammer.

"You've got a few visitors, but make it quick," she says, turning to me with a dismissive glance. Her expression is stern, voice laced with warning, and I make sure to engrave it into my soul. You don't want to cross the head nurse. I don't tell her about the vomit in the trash can, probably because I'm embarrassed over it. I still can't believe it, that I'd let Kanda do something to me like that. I shouldn't have been thinking about him but I was anyway and it nearly got me killed!

As the head nurse headed out and Lenalee came in with Lavi close behind. My stomach fluttered just a bit, mostly out of nervousness. I felt exposed in their presence, and I know they must've noticed how much I sucked out there. Kanda was probably damning me to hell on his own, too.

"Allen, you don't look so good," Lenalee speaks first, which is kind of relieving. I jump a bit, startled by the sudden change in tone from hard and stern to gentle and caring. But it was better she have the first words because Lavi was a bit of a chatterbox and he tended to talk fast, and because of all the details I'm sure he could go on forever. I just don't think I'm up for that kind of thing right now. He also had his all-seeing eye and I just _knew_ he'd have something to say if I gave the slightest hint that there was something on my mind. Sometimes I wonder if I should even try hiding things from him. But truthfully, It was relieving having people I was more comfortable with in the room.

"Heya, buddy, nice to see you after that hit you took out there," Lavi raises his hand to greet me like he usually does, but I must look completely mortified because he quickly puts his hand away and gives me a wry smile.

"Hit?" I ask, mowing over the awkward moment. Although I remember the blood quite distinctly, I can admit that I don't know when exactly I was struck, and the how was pretty blurry as well.

"Yeah. I don't really know how, but when we were trying to get that level three, you were hit. There was a lot of blood and… It's a good thing you're you, because I don't think anyone besides Kanda would've been able to survive something like that." He pauses, trying to think. "Perhaps it was when that Akuma knocked us off our feet and debris was flying everywhere, but no one else was really hit.

Not a trace of a smile was seen on my face; only the faintest hint of a blush which sincerely I hope they just dismiss as part of my fever. I wonder if they know any of what is really going on, paranoia seeping through each and every one of my thoughts, creating doubt everywhere I turn. They keep talking, and I try tuning in as much as I can, but the only thing on my mind was how much I failed.

"We were able to fend off the Akuma and kill the level three, and then we rushed back here as soon as possible." Lenalee sounds worried, as if it's still happening right before her eyes, and it's comforting compared to the flips my stomach was doing. Lenalee was always like the sister I never had, and it was comforting knowing that someone could care about me that much. "I don't know how, but Kanda was able to keep you alive. So we had him watch over you most of the time, he seemed like he knew what he was doing."

At the mention of his name, I freeze, and I can tell by the way Lenalee hesitates in speech ever so slightly as she continues, that she notices it too. Lavi has to notice it as well, but at that point I decide it didn't matter because Kanda managed to save me twice in a day and I don't even know why he'd do it in the first place. It all makes sense until I hear that last bit. I don't understand… Kanda shouldn't be helping me. He shouldn't be touching me. He shouldn't be doing anything with me. He should only be working with me during missions and disregarding me like he always does. That's what he always did… it was my job to poke and prod at him, not his, and yet there he'd been, helping me like Lenalee and Lavi would have.

"He did?" I ask once, incredulous. I have to be sure I'm not dreaming that part.

"Yeah, but he seemed really upset about it. You know Yuu," Lavi laughs it off but his words hang in the air along with Lenalee's. I knew that information would rattle my thoughts for days on end, and some hopeless part of me kind of wishes Kanda was here so I can understand, know it for myself, but I figure it won't solve anything either way. Kanda is never forward with his words, he is more of an action kind of guy when it comes to proving things. I would know that more than anyone. But I have to know why he wouldn't make me someone else's problem and not his own.

Even after they leave, I still think about it. Kanda never once publicly showed an ounce of care for me. Not once. He called me names, challenged me, ridiculed me, tried to prove me worthless. I saw through it each time, knew his reasons for it, and I always paid him back when we were alone. I guess you could say we had something once. But we could never really be anything after that. It was just something to enjoy for the moment, to take the pain away, to remind me that I could still care this passionately about someone. And hopefully to show Kanda that he can be loved even in his messiest form. The problem is I can never let it go. I can't forget any of it. No matter how hard I try, I know I will never stop caring about that stupid, stupid man.

But I thought he did.

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_A/N: Thank you all for the lovely reviews! They keep me very motivated to keep writing. And don't worry about the confusion at the end of the last chapter, it's all part of the plan! _

_-Eury_


	3. Regret

Kanda and I weren't exactly what you'd call 'madly in love.' We had something pretty significant, but the fact that I'd gotten anywhere was good enough for me. It wasn't really a one-track relationship, either. It wasn't all just sex. We did things together like eat and sleep in each other's rooms, and go places but it was always private; it had to be. No one could ever know. I was actually surprised that no one picked up on it, but it was relieving to know we covered our tracks nicely. The last thing either of us needed was a trial on our hands.

Nothing was ever quite official; even though we practically did everything we could to make it so. It was never a spoken thing between us, just something that kind of happened and it picked up gradually as we went on with our lives. In the time we were together, I noticed a lot about him that always seemed interesting compared to his usual manner, like how he sleeps with his arms tucked around his waist, guarding himself even when he's unconscious. Or the way he eats, not quite looking at you as he does, even when you speak, and always seeming distracted, like he was lost in his own little world. But the moments where I could catch his attention, and free him of the barriers he surrounded himself with was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. In everything I'd gone through with Cross, Mana, or anyone else, this was hardly something I could be prepared for.

It's fascinating to just observe him, which is why I never got upset when he didn't talk when we're together. At times I felt embarrassed for having so much food at the table when he ate so little because I was obviously not as modest as him in that aspect. Which I found pretty funny, because Kanda is not the least bit modest in any way.

It was always the little things that made me especially happy with him, even if deep down I always knew it wasn't going to last. Being with him was something I enjoyed more than anything, but it was unrealistic to think we could make it in such a hell hole like the Black Order. Sometimes I let my imagination run with escaping together, but I didn't think it possible. The thoughts were always nice, though.

I guess when it came down to it, when I've looked back so many times, I realize I was falling in love with this man. It was hard to grasp, didn't even know that's what hit me until it was over. And the minute it was, I scrambled to try to get it back. But my doubts consumed me; they still do, so I just sit and ponder the what if's and maybes. Often I think maybe he didn't want more than what we shared; maybe he did only like me for the sex. Maybe I'd opened doors for him he didn't understand and he'd like to explore them with someone else. Whatever it was, I could never be selfish enough to not let him be on his own. Forcing Kanda's hand wasn't my style.

The day we finally broke off was not something I could forget, even if I tried. I think about it more often than not, which has become a bad habit of mine. I guess I think about him like that all the time.

We were in my room, sitting together on my bed, backs against the wall. I can still taste the food I'd eaten [and later thrown up] and I could still hear the harsh winds crashing against the single window I had. There was a storm brewing outside and by the thrashing of the rain and wind, we were bound to stay inside for the rest of the day. I could still catch the slight tremble in my voice even as I said what had to be said. I could still feel the warmth of his body pressed against mine as he leaned against me, the soft breaths he took filtering into the air. It was probably worse to have to come out with it like this because I felt like I was robbing him of the one thing we both could rely on without question. The risks of our relationship were never something that intimidated us more than how we felt.

The conversation had long since died before and we were just braving the silence together. I'd been thinking a lot about how we'd make it together but I never actually talked it over with Kanda. Though I'd suspected he'd already pondered it himself.

"Kanda… how long do you think we'll last?" I asked him this as my fingers twined with his, and I play with them nervously. It wasn't really on my mind that we should break things off right here and right now; I was just a little curious about what he thought. Everything was happening so fast and we hadn't had much time to think about it.

I felt his shoulder rubbing against mine as it rose and fell simply, and I could tell he didn't really want to think or talk about it. I didn't either, but it was those things we had to be most wary about, or they'd tear us apart.

"I don't know," he finally says after a long pause, which made me tense. I felt a pang of guilt hit me for bringing it up, but I knew I couldn't stop now that I'd started. "Why?" He added in a curious tone. The thoughts that followed his question made me sick. My heart raced as the rest of the words flew out, and I wish I could've taken them back, spared him the trouble.

"Because… I dunno, don't you ever think about where we go from here?" I suddenly don't know how I was ever able to stand the constant silence with him, especially in this moment. He could go on for hours without speaking a word to me, even with us both in the same room; just as long as we were near each other then it was okay. But the silence spoke the loudest this time, telling me that he really hadn't thought about it, and he didn't want to ever really think about it, because he knew as well as I did that there wasn't much of an "where to go from here." This was as far as we could go, and admitting that was next to impossible.

I could feel him pulling away and the cold that hit me from the lack of warmth from his body was haunting. I didn't want to hurt him, but somehow I knew no matter what I did, the pain would follow. I struggled to think of something to say, but I didn't know what I could possible do to help this. It was out of my hands, now.

"Allen," he starts. His back is to me, and he's now off the bed, looking at the wall, head down. I knew he knew I loved it when he said my name just that simply, my first name all by itself. It sounded more right than anyone else saying it. But this time, he was serious. This time, he wanted my attention. Every hair on my body stood up, and I feared the worst as he exhaled a tired sigh.

"I know." I came up blank as I searched for my feelings, translated them into words. "I never want to hurt you, and I don't mean to by what I'm asking. It's just… being like this seems like we're drawing it out, torturing ourselves even."

"Torturing ourselves?" He asks, and I still can't see his face. So badly to I want to meet his dark eyes, search them for something, anything; just to comfort him and reassure him of the innocence of this question. But the truth was too great to just overlook.

"No—I mean, Kanda, I care about you so much," I emphasize this by clamping my fists together in front of me. "And I want to be with you for as long as I can. But I don't want to hurt you because of my selfish impulses."

When he still hadn't turned to look at me, I took a leap of faith and went to him, placing a timid hand on his shoulder. I immediately felt the shock of despair transfer from him to me, and in that instant I probably felt like the biggest asshole that ever lived. I squeezed his shoulder, forced him to look at me. He turned his head away from me even as he moved his body, and I didn't understand it until he finally let me see him.

He looked at me, the single drop running down his face, proof that I had underestimated his feelings.

"Meaning, staying together will make it harder to let go." His voice didn't quiver as he said it, wiping the tear away harshly, as if he was disgusted by his presence. In fact, he sounded annoyed, a bit stern as he spoke, shrugging my hand off his shoulder. He clarified my statement so easily, it almost hurt, but by now I've gone numb to deflect the regret and anguish that would watch me like a dog In the weeks to come.

"Kanda, please don't be upset with me, I'm not trying—"

"I wish you weren't such an idiot," he cuts me off with that statement; the volume in his voice growing which each word. I tried to keep a cool head myself, but the more he yelled, the more it hurt, and the more I wanted to yell and scream for screwing everything up with my dumbass inquisitions.

"I'm not an idiot, BaKanda, it's true!" I internally curse myself for yelling back. "You don't get it but I really do care about you and I want to be with you so bad—"

"Why couldn't you just have let it go?" He yelled back. "Why did you have to ruin it, you imbecile! So what if there's nothing else after this, are you saying you're not content with that? Because I'm just fine with doing this, Moyashi. Just fine."

"Kanda, please don't, I—" I breathed in once and by the time the breath was out, I'd crushed my mouth against his, letting the air out against him. God, the overwhelming feeling of him just there, knowing he could be gone in a matter of seconds because I'm an idiot. Feeling him, touching him—momentarily overpowered by the passion we shared. I just didn't know what else to do to make him understand.

I pulled away and looked at him, his dark eyes wide with confusion and shock. I almost thought I dreamed it.

"Do you feel that?" The words are tumbling out of my mouth before I have time to think about them. "The way your heart's racing right now? It's there, Kanda, and it's truer than anything I've ever felt. I don't know if half the things I know are true anymore, but I know that this is. But I can't be selfish and hold on to you this way because it's not fair to you. It will only hurt you, and I can't do that." I pause, let my words sink in, hoping he'd understand, but doubting it just the same.

He started shaking his head, and then he smirked which sparked a bit of anger inside of me, even more so when he turned to leave.

"Allen… this was never going to last."

He pads across the room, heading for the door. I didn't go after him, and I didn't watch him leave. I just stared at the place he stood just moments before where we were kissing and more alive than either of us had ever been. I know he could feel it, but who was I kidding? His words hang in the air with such a profound truth that I tried so hard for so long to run away from.

And as I sit in this room, thinking about Kanda while awaiting my dismissal to go "back to normal," I think of all the things I could've done to make that day better. And I think of all the ways I'd never truly "gone back to normal" ever since he left a hole in my heart .

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_A/N: Y'all are very lovely :3 Thank you so much for your support! I do hope you're enjoying, and don't be afraid to point out any errors or plot fubars, okie? Confusion in the first chapter is quite necessary, however xD Sorry if it's that extreme. Thanks again for reviewing and I'd like you to continue your feedback to help me write this story~_


	4. Stuck

_A short and articulate sound escapes into the air, scaring me right out of my sleep. I awake soundlessly, but my heart is racing and I'm already holding my breath. Already am I wary of my surroundings, thinking something is going to pop up and murder me, but after silence follows for longer than I expected, I start to relax, if only for a little bit. I'm still holding my breath as I continue listening, thinking I should jump up and face whatever it is head on, but I don't know if it's anything to complain about. It could just be someone trying to make it through from a late shift, or Tim doing something stupid to scare me half to death. My eyes crack open, opening fully when I don't see anything but various machines in front of me, just barely visible under the glow of a single light lit in the corner of my room. _

_Not a sign of a person is there._

_A chill runs down my back, fear seizing my entire body, and I have the sudden urge to pee. I don't know who or what could be up this late at night, making noises and disrupting my sleep. My ears perk at the slightest hint of sound, and each time I even suspect something, I fear the worst._

_I hear the footsteps, light and almost undetectable, but the light shuffling against the linoleum gives them away. My heart starts beating faster and faster, and I'm aware of their presence hanging over me, but I don't dare look. I don't know why I'm so scared, but I feel like "waking up" isn't a good idea. I can feel their eyes burning into my slack form, wondering if they can hear my breathing as loud as I can. Every hair stands on my body, but I pray to every god in existence that I don't do anything to give away that I'm awake. _

_I force myself to relax as they back away, their gaze no longer pouring into mine, and I move just once to hide my eyes into my arm, covered with a blanket. I probably couldn't be more obvious enough, but people move in their sleep, right? Maybe they'd just go away after a while. Silence follows again as I lay there, still trying to control my breathing, and I think for a moment that I might've imagined the person being here for the amount of silence that has engulfed the room. _

_After a few long moments, I pick up the steady sound of breathing that isn't mine. It's a soft sigh, just one, but it's shaky and uneven, and the desire to know who this person is growing with every second. I don't want to scare them, though, so I don't. But the curiosity is burning inside me at an obnoxious level. The breathing gets harder, and they seem to put less effort into hiding their presence. A lump forms in my throat when I hear them start to sniffle a few times, their breath hitching as they force themself to keep quiet. _

_Were they… crying? _

_Confusion sparks in my mind, forcing me to cross off each of the possible candidates I had thought up to whom this could be. At first I think it's Lavi, coming in to do some kind of thing that was part of his Bookman duties, but that makes no sense. Bookmen don't come into the infirmary in the middle of the night undetected to cry near a sleeping boy. It couldn't ever be Kanda, so that was quickly thrown out the window, wasn't even a possibility. Lenalee…? Neither choice makes any sense. _

_A warm feeling starts to pool into my stomach, as I began to pity them, wanting to reach out and help. It mixes with the unease of before, slowly calming me down. This person is harmless, so I don't need to be scared. I just need to know who they are. In the haze of my thoughts I hadn't noticed the person actually started talking. They weren't even recognizable from their speech, because it was just a low whisper of a few words mixed with tears and sorrow, enough for me to make out "please be okay," in the midst of their nasally speech. My heart instantly reaches out to them, but I still don't know who this person could possibly be. The more I think about it, the more curious I get. No one owed me an apology, not even Kanda. If anyone owed an apology to anyone, it would probably be me to the rest of the world. _

_Just as soon as the words slipped out of their mouth, I heard to sound of the door clicking, which signaled their departure. I instantly rose from my bed to try to catch a glimpse of the person as they exited, but I found nothing._

My eyes open slowly, flashes of everything that just happened flickering before my eyes at a rapid pace. The most important parts begin to fade away, and I struggle to hold onto them, forcing myself to remember the smallest details. This always happened when I had a wild dream, and I was tempted to shut my eyes and try to sleep again, if only to understand what the hell I just dreamt.

I sit up in the hospital bed, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I'm eager to wake myself up because today I'm getting released, but I know now that all I'll be thinking about is that dream, plus what regularly haunts my subconscious. I wave to the nurse as she comes in, and she doesn't wave back like I thought she wouldn't. I'm focusing on being polite so I can just get out of here quicker.

Time seems to fly by as I'm prepared to finally go, and the last thing on the list is the recovery spiel, which is probably the easiest part of being hospitalized. It's such a drag, but I suppose it's worth it once you're let go.

"You are to get plenty of rest, and make sure to maintain a healthy diet—that is, what's healthy for you, Allen Walker." The Head nurse is looking down at me. Her voice is stern and full of concern despite the hard look she's giving me. It's almost like a mother would speak to someone, but I wouldn't know from experience. I'm trying exceptionally hard to listen, mostly out of guilt; I don't want to seem rude, but my mind is elsewhere.

My mind has been cluttered with scattered thoughts about my mission and what exactly happened. I don't really remember getting hit, and I don't remember anything after that except for waking up and having Lavi and Lenalee visit me shortly after. My heart constantly had me aware of my longing for Kanda, and how much I wish I would've ran after him that day, or done something other than sit there and let him leave. I honestly thought we could talk it over, but it was kind of an unrealistic notion because an issue that big can't just be fixed with "I'm sorry" and sex like we usually did.

Though that did sound pretty good right about now.

Because such thoughts have been floating around in my head, I don't feel like speaking much, today. In fact, I wish I were alone in my room right now. There, I could at least breathe and get ahold of myself. I still felt dizzy, and my stomach was still doing the occasional flip the longer I stayed in this wretched facility. Nothing seemed quite right anymore. Truthfully, I'd been starting to feel this way for a while and began distracting myself with training, or going out for a walk, but now that this had happened, it was like a giant kick in the ass. A wake up call to tell me I wasn't okay and that I couldn't hide it anymore.

"… your recovery should last up to three weeks to start, with regular visits to Komui accordingly." Somehow this little bit of information is able to penetrate my thoughts, and it's alarming because do I honestly need three whole weeks? But the more I flip it over in my mind, the more appealing it sounds because I don't think I can shake this depression thing so easily.

I nod impatiently despite my mixed feelings for that and she finally lets me go. I throw a thank you and even a plastic smile in as well, just for good measure, so I look less obvious about my internal problems. As soon as I'm out of the infirmary, I make a beeline for my room. Here, I feel safe. Here, I can think among the peaceful silence hidden behind my door. Here is where I'm usually not, and the last place people will think to look for me.

I pad down the hallway quietly, hidden; one hand gliding down the wall nearest me until I reached the familiar door belonging to my room. Once I'm inside, I quickly lock the door behind me, pressing my back against it as I stare at the space before me. It doesn't even smell like this room belongs to me; it's pretty barren because I don't use it much. It's colored a light brown, because it's relaxing and makes me feel at home. Other than that, you probably wouldn't even know it was mine.

Here, I can still dream about the days where everything was sort of at its peak; where life seemed to flow smoothly and comfortably without any sort of delay or riff. Even if it wasn't happening for real, I still enjoyed dreaming about it to ease the discomfort of my loneliness. It was a feeling that often left me empty and dissatisfied, always searching for something else I either didn't want to come to terms with, or couldn't come to terms with. Usually, it was both and left my mind shattered beyond ability to think.

"_You're finally home, Allen_," I whisper to myself, breath ruffling my hair as I look skyward. At least now I can be lonely but unbothered.

I eagerly make my way to my bed and flop down onto it, landing with a mild thump like a sack of potatoes being thrown carelessly into a storage unit. It didn't feel like I really belonged in my skin. My clothes didn't fit the same way, my hair seemed less vibrant and outstanding and it was _fucking white_. I'd always felt a bit different since being separated from Kanda, but never had I been hit with it this hard.

Well, Kanda almost got me killed, and yet managed to save me twice in the same day. How's that for irony?

One of these days I would apologize to him, or at least talk to him more than we did in the following days of our 'break up,' but I don't know when. And who's to say he'd even give me the time of day? I don't think I could bring myself to look at him right now, either, not after making a fool out of myself and having him save me _twice._ And even worse was not realizing I was injured until the last second when he needed help. I should've been helping him with that level three, not sprawled out on the floor like a useless paper doll.

I groan inwardly, cover my face with my hands, resisting the urge to scream. Anger boils my blood the more I think about it, until I'm grinding my teeth together and nearly pulling out my hair. I'm so disappointed in myself that I can't even begin to put it into words. Nothing could excuse what happened out there. What kind of a failure am I?

I start to breathe heavily, count in my head slowly in attempt to calm myself down.

1, 2, 3, 4…

_It shouldn't have ever happened_, I remind myself for the millionth time.

**5, 6, 7, 8, 9…**

_How am I supposed to be an exorcist with Kanda constantly invading my thoughts?_

**10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15… **

The counting is getting faster as I continue to torture myself until I just can't take it anymore. I turn over and scream my frustrations into my pillow, stopping only when my throat is raw, face wet with tears I'm ashamed to have wept.

Maybe I should just not think anymore.

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_A/N: Okay so the beginning is a dream sequence and the "—" separates the dream from reality. In no way should that signal a time skip, just to clarify. It's just for organization purposes and ease of reading. I hope it makes sense xD Do tell me if the flow is upset in any way, because it wasn't what I was originally gonna do with this chapter. It just sorta happened xD I'm relying on those types of things to make this a long enough fic. _

_I did enjoy this chapter, because it opens a loooot of doors for me for the rest of the story xD And to answer someone, I don't know if I'll include other pairings in this. You'll just have to wait and see! I don't want to focus on that if it's going to get in the way of the main idea. _

_Thank you all for the wonderful reviews, they always keep me motivated! I'm glad you like the way I write Allen, I've had about a year's practice with it now xD I'm mostly interested in how you guys see Kanda, but it's all in due time! c: _


	5. Memories

The thing that baffles me most about the entire dream is the way they'd said it.

They were gentle, whoever they were, but the sadness imprinted in their voice was more final and accepting, like they had already known what was going to happen to me anyway. Yet, they spoke those words with so much hope that it almost tore me apart thinking about it. Their words echoed in my head over and over ever since I'd had the dream, and I haven't experienced it since. I'll admit I actually wished a few times, as I laid down for bed, to have that dream just one more time. I feel like if I can experience it all one more time, then I may be able to figure it out once and for all. Or at least try to stop the nagging in the back of my mind.

So far, I haven't had any luck.

My entire thought process is pretty muggy and unclear these days, anyway. I find that most everything slips my mind, like I can't hold onto anything except my name and the color of my hair. Of course everything having to do with Kanda is drilled into the side of my brain, but other than that, I really can't maintain the regular thought without it slipping my mind shortly after.

I guess this would be a product of this awful feeling that normal people would call depression. However, my way of dealing with it might not even make it believable. I'm like a walking sack of deject and longing, seeking things I can't have and torturing myself with what used to be. But that's only on the inside. On the outside, I look 'normal,' seemingly unharmed. I figured I could use that more to my advantage, in this case.

I've vacated my room for most of the day, moving through back hallways and hiding out in old rooms with no use. These past few days made me realize how much I really hated the location of my room. It wasn't that people barged into it all the time; it had a lock for a reason. It was just that it was in the central area of chaos, and there's just too much noise for me to think. I can't hear myself, inside or out. The adoration I'd felt for my room itself has depleted drastically the more I slipped away from normalcy. My room also holds the memories of a former lover, a former life even, where we'd sleep soundly with him above me, sharing thoughts and dreams of escaping this hell one day. The place where we'd hide out for an afternoon and maybe even the rest of the night, if only to pretend we were the only two people on the planet.

Sometimes I thought I was nuts when this particular thing crossed my mind, but I may have even loved Kanda. Through all our lame quarreling and fist-fighting, no matter what we said to each other, I always felt something deep for him. I never once thought it was this serious, however, until we'd broken up. It was a harsh reality once I'd come to realize that it was more than just the occasional—okay, more than occasional—round of sex with a few 'hi's' and 'hello's' thrown in there to make it seem healthy.

It was honestly getting harder and harder to function with that plaguing my mind constantly, on top of being so bloody useless since I was out of duty.

_That's right, Allen. You're an exorcist, remember. You should be out there fighting with them, not here torturing yourself. _

I don't even let out a sigh this time. It's become relatively easy to accept the taunting voices in my head, even if they bothered me so much. I didn't know what I could do to make them stop, so I let them sit, stew a bit, develop. By now I guess there aren't too many things that can pull me out of this.

I'm always the one who has to save someone. I'm always the one pulling people out of their darkness, out of their hardships and depression. But what about me? Who is there to keep me alive, from going crazy?

I ponder these thoughts as I sit in the cafeteria, content with the loneliness that has surrounded me. It's not likely anyone would be here anyway, given the time of night… or day. I'm not too sure about the time with all this other shit fogging my brain. My legs are drawn against my chest, head resting between the tiny crevice between them. I idly rub the material of my trousers in attempt to soothe myself. The marble under my pants isn't actually from a real chair, but the table tops. I took that over a normal seat because why not? It's not like it would seem any less out of place than everything else running through my mind.

It was strange not being able to remember much of anything besides Kanda and that mission and my failures. It has taken me over, becoming most of what I think about. Everything else is kind of just a blur. I remember the dream, of course. I remember Kanda. I remember the year we spent together, and the six months we've spent apart. But that's about it. A part of me worries that I'll forget everything but the sadness I'm feeling, to the point where I won't even remember what made me sad; just that I am, and nothing can ever change that.

I feel nervous despite there being nobody else here but me. I feel like I need to give an explanation of some sort for the way I'm feeling, even to myself if I can't do it for anyone else. But I can't find one for either. The idle pulsing in my head hasn't entirely faded from a few days ago, either. Lavi and Lenalee had invited me countless times to eat with them, go out with them, or talk with them… just do anything with them. But I haven't shown up once, made an excuse every time so I could skate away and be by myself.

If I wasn't right in my own skin, how could I be with others? It was easy to pretend I was okay, but the fact that I was so out of my mind these days scared me. I never wanted them to see me so ridiculously upset. I've never been this deeply depressed, not about anything. It surprises me even more that it's hitting me now, because Kanda and I had been broken up for some time now.

The clanking of the door shutting as someone enters the cafeteria startles me from my thoughts and I have to cover my mouth to suppress the yelp that almost rolled off my tongue. My head snaps to the form making its way across the room ever so quietly, eyes practically bulging out of their sockets as I witnessed the sight before me.

It was none other than Kanda Yuu, the man who'd plagued my thoughts since that failure of a mission. It can't possibly be because he's hungry, because that's kind of ridiculous considering how much he doesn't eat.

For a split second I think if I hide quick enough, he might not even know I'm here, but it's too late to try to do anything because as I'm making plans for escape, he's already come into my line of sight. I don't make a sound. I don't move. I don't try to hide myself, but I don't make my presence known. I just watch him slink through the tables and chairs set out until he pushes past another set of doors to where I am in the actual kitchen.

He acts as if I'm not here at first, which isn't such a bad thing because I honestly wish I was anywhere but here. Somehow, I maintain a calm collectedness, curled up within myself, minding my own business so as not to scare him away. In the eyes of Kanda Yuu, this appearance of me must be awfully pathetic, but I can't hide what he's already seen. I pop my head up a bit more as he comes closer, busying himself with the task of rummaging through cupboards and drawers for whatever he's come here for.

_Food. _

It doesn't strike me as the probable answer for his midnight run, because it seems so unlikely for him, and yet here he is, pulling a pot out and some oil, along with a few spices and vegetables to throw in for flavor. I recognize this meal, because it's something I used to make for him. I never quite liked the vegetables so much; I was more of a meat kind of guy, so I never really made it after we split. But seeing him starting to prepare it right before my eyes brings back a wave of unwanted nostalgia. I don't want to feel it, not with him standing before me to witness it fully. My stomach groans a bit, telling me that not only does my mind remember this, but so does my stomach. I promptly ignore it in attempt to rebel against my feelings, something I don't usually do. But I can't let myself just fall apart now. I don't think I have enough strength to lose what's left of my dignity.

I force myself to look at his hands instead of his flawless face, watching him as he works, like I'm completely invisible, perched on the counter with my long legs interrupting his workspace. It's almost a nice feeling that wells up inside me, because I remember sneaking in here frequently so we could grab a bite just because.

Except for the fact that this is completely outrageous because I'm a mess and he's trying to act like he doesn't notice it.

_What the fuck is he doing?_ I scream this in my head so loud I think it might burst. I'm still trying to avoid looking at his face, because I fear that if I do, my embarrassment just might kill me. I feel my face flush a few times, and that's when I turn my attention towards my shoeless feet, studying my uninteresting socks like the words that should be said are written all over them.

Finally, a sigh escapes into the air, and when our gazes meet for a split instance, I finally realize it had come from me. His dark eyes are penetrating diamonds, but not intimidating in any way. They are in fact unreadable which keeps me just as unsettled as I had been when he popped up right out of my thoughts.

I see the question creeping into his expression, wondering the same things I am, and suddenly my mind has gone blank. The nervousness that had been brewing in my stomach has been cranked on high, bubbling and boiling as the extreme unease begins to take me over.

_Keep it together, Allen,_ I say to myself as my nails rake my trousers at a quicker pace.

"Could you hand me that knife?" Kanda asks me this casually, his dark eyes staring into me as he waits for me to do as he asks. I'm wondering if I should do it and find myself doing it before I can think about it any longer. The roughness of the handle slips into my fingers as I turn the blade towards the ground, leaning forward a bit to hand it to him. Our fingers brush just slightly, sending a bit of relief into my system. It seems unreal that this is actually happening, but I'm instantly lifted just a little bit by this appearance of him. I take in his casual wear; slacks and a button up, one of his favorite outfits, mostly because of how easy it is to wear.

Everything about this man—the memories, the little things I knew about him, the big things I knew about him—all of it comes rushing back, all at once. It's a bit overwhelming, but seeing him up close for one of the first times in six long, empty, lonely months makes me rethink everything. I see him around constantly, but never for more than a few seconds, and it's never this intimately. I have so many questions I want to ask, curiosities to explore with this man, and now that he's right in front of me, I don't know what to say.

I continue to watch him prepare his food, twelve whole months passing by between us as I recollect every single memory we shared together, and though it's painful to do so, for once I don't let the pain break my heart all over again. I take it in slow, let it embrace me, and I think for a moment or two that I just might be able to get over it.

I don't realize how much time has gone by, because already is he beginning to put the spices away, throw away scraps, empty dishes into the sink. He hasn't eaten any of it, though, but he's got a bowl in his hand which I presume is filled with this dish he's made based on the steam rising from it. It smells unbelievably good, but I don't think I have the guts to eat what he's left over. Something inside me is bound tightly, unsure if it should let itself out, and the silence is enough to keep it at bay.

He nods at me, acknowledging my presence once more as he's getting ready to leave, and I feel a gust of overwhelming sorrow clench my entire being. I don't want him to go, feel like if he leaves he may never come back even though that's highly improbable. I will always be stuck with this man. I think about what to say to him again for probably the thousandth time since he's come in here, when suddenly he breaks the silence once more.

"Eat something, Moyashi. You look like shit."

My eyebrows rise slowly, but I'm not exactly sure why, because I'm used to this kind of bluntness. Out of all things to say, considering the circumstances, I guess I wasn't expecting him to pick that as the thing he'd say. He turns and slips through the doors as quietly as he came in, the familiar smell of him carrying toward me as he leaves me in his wake. I think for a moment that I might've dreamed that entire encounter as my tummy rumbles once more. My fingertips close in tightly on a single piece of flesh on my arm, and I wince at the pain, which tells me I'm not quite that crazy after all.

As I slowly scoot forward, my feet find the floor, carrying me toward the pot of something that's sure to taste extra good considering I didn't have to make it, and even better, _Kanda made it_. The aroma is almost intoxicating, as if he's is still in here, and I am still watching him prepare this wonderful meal. There is still a nice, healthy supply of it left for me and I absently wonder if he did that on purpose.

My eyes shift from one place to another, and I turn around to see if anyone's watching. That's probably a nutty thing to do because I'm more than sure not a single soul is accompanying me.

For the first time in days, I think perhaps I should settle for a real meal.

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_A/N: So I really kind of enjoyed this chapter and I put a lot of hard work into it, and I'd like to know your thoughts on the story so far! This one is a bit longer than most, but for good reason v.v I hope you liked the silly interaction, lol Kanda is such a jerk. But he's Allen's jerk, of course. Quite literally actually... LOL. I also reached over 20 followers which was pretty cool to me, haha. Thanks guys! It's currently 4:27 am as I submit this, so do know that I'm working hard to deliver properly for you guys xD I hope you like this one as much as I do. Until next time!_


	6. Foul Play

_A/N: Uhhh yeaaah I know it's been a while, but I had finals week and the end of the first semester of school to finish orz. And as much as I wanted to write on this, I didn't have the time. And even when I did, I couldn't figure out how I wanted this chapter to go. However, I do hope you guys enjoy this one, I actually wrote it carefully and specially for you guys since I've not updated in like two weeks lol. Hope you guys like this :3!_

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The steady sound of wind picking up in the distance threw me into consciousness unexpectedly, and I jump a little at the noise. It's soft and calm, carrying the sound of rustling the leaves with it, which is soothing considering how it had scared me. Though I needed that nice bit of rest, I'm not too upset that it's been interrupted. I'm not too sure how long I'd been out, but it was much easier to fall asleep than most nights. My memory was still hazy, but my thoughts are less clogged and my eyes don't ache to be shut, so I suppose it is something of an improvement.

For a moment I lay dazed, unable to move from my spot for lack of motivation. I'm not actually comfortable as I could be, but I feel some sense of content, even if it only lasts a few brief seconds. My limbs feel slightly stiff, which brings on the confusion. I don't remember it being this chilly in my room, nor this discomforting to be in my own bed, but it's not surprising considering how I've been feeling lately.

I can smell the thick scent of rain all around me, and I shiver upon this realization, the morning light nearly blinding as my eyes began to adjust. It feels like it's coming from every direction; the wind, rain, and the constant cold. I dare to move my arm where it rests under the brush of my hair, a bit prickly, and as I move I hear bits of something crunching under my body. I freeze for a moment, think I might be hallucinating. The air I breathe is chilled and harsh, alerting me to my surroundings, startling me right out of my skin when I realize exactly where I am.

I immediately begin to move out of my spot at the sight of trees in nearly every direction, the aroma of fresh flowers filling my nostrils, mixed with the rain. I half regret this decision when my bones begin to ache even more, throbbing at the joints. I place a hand on my lower back and bend over my lap, now sitting in crisscross formation. My head is with questions as I frantically try to put together just how in the hell I ended up passing out in the garden of the black order.

I can't recall making it here on my own, but I can't remember getting thrown out either. I shut my eyes, breathe in a long, steady breath of watered plants and pine needles; try to come across some kind of recollection, but the only images that fill my mind are of Kanda and I sitting in the kitchen. I'm curled within myself as I watch him cook, thinking about how great that food might taste if only he'd give me some. I actually vaguely remember eating some of the soup he left behind, which was probably the best meal I'd eaten in quite a while. But I can't be too sure of that, let alone anything else with me currently getting rained on with no memory of how or why I was even here.

_'WHY AM I HERE?!'_

My head threatens to explode as I think this to myself, but all I can see is Kanda standing unperturbed in the middle of that kitchen. All I can taste is the broth of his soup and the all I can smell are the rich flavors mixed within it. I can hear is his voice, asking me the dumbest favor of all, and all I can feel is the way my heart jumped stupidly when he'd spoken directly to me, but I don't want it. I don't want him to talk to me if it's only going to torture me even more. I don't want him near me if I can't even control myself over a few words and one silly meal. I don't need him ruining me, thickening the air I breathe. I don't need to hold on to what I'm feeling anymore because I've savored enough memories to last me a lifetime of what I can never, ever have.

It occurred to me as I begin to think about it, that I'd come here out of habit, but I didn't know exactly when, which was frightening. Knowing me as well as I thought I did, I would've gone to my room and mulled some more before going to bed in my bed. But as the pain worsens in my stiff body, and I try to ease the crick in my neck, I know I must've been here all night.

I start to yawn, but it's interrupted by a sneeze. One after the other, until I've sprayed those poor flowers with my sickness, the pain in my throat starting to dry it out. I croak an ow to myself, the anger growing more and more as I try once more to piece together why I'm even here. I sigh in frustration, covering my face with a wet hand. The noise is drowned out by the rain, which doesn't seem like it wants to let up any time soon. It doesn't bother me, in fact, it's a little soothing against the boiling rage that's clouding my thoughts. I can't wrap my head around why I've been so fucking out of it lately, except that it has to do with Kanda.

Every part of me caves in, and I cringe when his name crosses my mind. Not because I hate it, but just because I'm so fed up with having to deal with this constant pain that follows me like a shadow when I think about him. It's stupid and cowardly to think about useless memories and old times that can never be. I enjoyed him so much, and seeing him act so casual around me and everyone else is maddening. I want to slap that stupid fake expression of his face every time I see him. He tries to act like he has all of this bottled up anger, like he has a god given right to be a jerk to everyone around him. Doesn't he know that he can't fool me? Why does he even do it when he knows I can see right through it?

Even when we're apart, we're not really apart because I'm still thinking about him like I talk to him and see him every day. My heart wants to reach out to him, but my mind says don't touch. Each time out mouths touched, even briefly, I always ignored the 'beware' hidden between our tongues. As in, watch out, Allen, don't be stupid. I've thought about punching myself a few times to make it go away, but even I know it's not that easy.

I flinch at the thunder that follows the strike of lightning lighting up the sky, near the person who'd damned me to this inescapable thought process, but instead of getting up and going inside like I know I should, I just clench my fists and embrace it and the mud between my fingers. My eyes close for a short moment, enjoying the way my hands begin to wreck the natural beauty of this beloved garden. I turn my attention to them, feeling the muck stuck between them and every other crevice lining my long legs. My hands start to sink deeper and deeper into the mud as the rain bathes me in its cold bitterness, almost as if it were taunting me. My fingers drag in the mud, mixed with grass and blooming flowers, and suddenly I feel a large wave of guilt consume me, making me hesitate. Some crazy part of me is screaming at me to ignore it and leave it alone, but I don't feel like I have to listen because I'm so sick and tired; completely done with the thoughts that have been invading my mind since I got back from that damned mission.

Over and over again I've realized that every single thing I'm stressing over is true. I know I've failed worse than I ever could have; knowing I could be better, but I'm not. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and constantly having to remind myself why I have time to do that in the first place. I should be out there being significant, not here, and yet here I am.

The sane part of me that's been pushed far away into a corner of my mind is recalling the fact that Kanda takes care of this garden; practically fuses his soul into this thing on more than one occasion. I've watched him do it, I know the drill, but not even that is enough to stop me from what I'm about to do.

I grit my teeth, running my hands through the soil, feeling the drier parts that haven't been drenched by the downpour of rain, feeling each plant all the way down to their roots as I begin to tear them out, one by one. I listen to the sound it makes as they disconnect from the ground, the bond between them and the earth now destroyed, just like my heart has been. It sounds silly, it sounds childish, but right now I don't know how to care. I'm destroying precious memories, thoughts, moments in life that I'd enjoyed in this very spot. I'm tearing apart the guilt, regret, and the loss that I've felt for the past six months. I know exactly what this is going to do, but in this moment I feel like I want it. I want him to feel it, feel the suffering I've had to endure for so long that I can't remember anything else better. I lean forward and try to cover more land, both hands furiously ripping and killing off everything all at once until a large portion of this land can only be made out as a nasty blob stuck next to whatever beauty is left in this god-forsaken garden.

When I'm done, I look at my work and immediately regret it, only comforted by those short fleeting moments from just a few minutes ago. It feels like a million pounds have been lifted off my shoulders, but half of the weight has come back because I can't even believe I just did that. It's probably going to obvious; perhaps an imprint of my body is stuck into the ground even as I look over my work, the horror leaking into my conscience. I bite my lip wondering just what his reaction will be upon seeing this mess, find myself anticipating it more than I should. I shouldn't want to see him suffer, but I do. I feel like I need it. Part of me even wants him to see this right away, knowing that I did it.

I stand to get a better look, thinking it might not be too obvious, gazing upon my work thoughtfully. The lightning strikes once more, but I don't pay attention to it, nor the thunder that goes along with it. Instead, I turn, wipe the image out of my mind, and leave as quickly and quietly as possible.


	7. A Few Words

I knew it was impossible to escape the guilt following my actions. What I'd done was inexcusable, and it left me feeling filthier than the bathwater after I was done cleaning myself up. I couldn't escape the flashbacks that constantly reminded me of it, either, but the scariest thing was how much satisfaction I gained from the thought of tearing the man I loved apart. It further confuses me thinking about it because I would never dream of wrecking him, let alone the masterpiece he'd created all by himself. That place was a haven to not only me and him, but the rest of the order too. Once people took note of how dedicated and invested Kanda was in something as simple as gardening, their opinions of him began to change, even if it was slight. No matter how much of a jackass he really was, it took more than patience to keep up a task over a stretch of the earth the way he did, and that earned him a lot of respect.

I don't know how I could be so selfish to let my emotions run me to the point of this. The disappointment hit me dead on and the lack of self-control I had was maddening. The real me wouldn't have let something like that cross my mind, ever, but now? It seems like I'm just _trying _to make things worse because of how bad it's gotten.

The dull sound of knuckles clashing against wood brings me out of my thoughts, and I wonder who it could be. Perhaps someone was watching me all along and they've come to confront me about it. Maybe they'd want to know what the hell was wrong with me, though that'd make two of us. I rise from my place on the bed, reach out to unlock and open the door. The sight before me makes my breathing halt, but I'm not quite aware of it. I can feel the blood slowly draining from my face as I take in the long, dark hair and the tall, well-built frame of Kanda. I feel my eyebrows rising in shock, wanting to know what he's doing here.

His gaze averts from mine quickly the minute I lay eyes on him, but as my eyes continue to rove his form. I notice the way his stance is slack, less guarded; dark eyes lost in thought. I can see the way he's struggling to say something, probably wondering himself why he's here as well. I don't know if I should say something yet, fear that breaking the long bout of silence might be a bad idea if he wants to get something out on his own. If I wasn't mistaken, Kanda actually looked genuinely sad, the deject clear in his usually stone cold expression. The life that had been left in this man was seemingly drained.

_Wow, you really fucked up this time, Allen._

My heart reached out to him, a dull pain in my chest. The anticipation I'd felt the moment I was done tearing apart that garden was now gone, fulfilled far more than it ever should have been. The part of me that wanted this to happen was smaller now, but still enjoying it. It overwhelmed me with disgust. I leaned against the door, waiting and trying to ignore the demons inside of me.

"You," he finally says, looking back at me briefly. His slender arm extends, a finger pointing at me in accusation. His expression has switched from sadness to accusation in less time than it took for me to blink, and suddenly I feel like a deer in the headlights. By now I'm just waiting for the moment where his finger curls back into his fist to give me the punch I know I deserve. I wait, my stomach beginning to flip flop nervously. He takes a breath to speak, and I almost want to close my eyes, realize I'm still not breathing which could also be another reason as to why I'm feeling light-headed.

"Owe me a meal." His face is completely still, more serious than I've ever seen it. The wave of relief that hits me is outrageous, and I almost feel like bursting out laughing because I literally thought the end of my life was going to take place in the next five minutes. I know I don't deserve relief or any kind of happiness, but just to be breathing right now is a miracle.

He cocks a brow at me, as if to say _"well?"_ and I let out a long breath, tasting the richness of that soup for the millionth time since he made it.

"Did you honestly expect me_ not_ to eat the rest of that soup?" I ask, genuinely curious.

"It was mine, I made it myself, and I expected you not to touch. Fuck, I asked you one favor. That does not give you a free pass to eat my damn food."

"To be fair, you know my appetite so you should've been more careful." I can't help but grin. This feels normal, to be arguing over rubbish like this. I don't feel quite as awkward as I could, which I'm grateful for. Kanda scoffs, the usual sound effect releasing into the air with obvious frustration. He cuts his eyes at me and turns, probably expecting me to follow him, so I do.

We make our way to the cafeteria, which is surprisingly empty given the time of day. We pass through the seating area to the kitchen, and I mutter a half-assed explanation to Jerry before we take the kitchen off his hands. I internally chastise myself for being so polite because I'm clearly lying to him. I'm not the nice fine gentleman everyone makes me out to be, I'm sure, because I just proved it last morning. But I'm also pretty sure no one knows that but me and Kanda.

The taller man points expectantly at me, directing me to the stove. He doesn't specify what he wants from me and he doesn't give me any kind of detail, so I just wing it, deciding that I'll make some stir fry this time. I don't know what else to make, and this is one of my favorite dishes besides dumplings, so I'm going with it. In no time at all, I've already prepared the meal, but I'm sure quite a bit of time has passed without me knowing. When I cook I don't really think about how long it takes, I just do it as quickly as I can and try not to make too big of a mess in between.

When I'm done, I come out with a piping hot bowl of it, placed in my bare hands. Steam rises from the dish and I'm sure it's going to melt through my hands if Kanda doesn't take the bowl from me soon.

"You didn't even ask me what I wanted." He points this out simply, eyeing the food skeptically and I think maybe I should have, but it's not really my problem if he decides not to eat. Being as he demanded but never specified, he couldn't really breathe on this one.

"More for me, then," I say with a shrug. My nonchalant attitude prompts him to take the food anyway, much to my relief. My hands are shown no mercy, of course, even when he takes it away. They almost instantly begin stinging from fingertips to the palms of my hands. It's bound to leave a mark, but I'm not thinking about that, I'm only thinking about what he'll say about the meal.

I leave for a moment to grab my own bowl and return shortly so we can find a place to sit. I find it amusing that even though virtually no one is here, Kanda decides to sit in the most secluded area possible in the entire place. It doesn't bother me, though. I just smile and take a seat across from him.

Time flies without a word for a bit, once again, and we pay no mind to each other. I nip at my food, occasionally glancing to see what Kanda's gone through so far. Anyone else might find it weird to watch him eat something besides soba noodles, but since we'd been together, somehow I'd managed to get him to widen his variety. He never complained.

It occurs to me that it's been months since we've done this, and I can feel my face flush at the recollection of memories we'd shared in this place. When I see that he's nearly done, I take the chance to ask him what he thought of it.

"It was… adequate." I can't help but laugh at this response, because it's so him that it might actually hurt if it were anyone else. I know he's kidding, which must mean he's pleased, and perhaps I'm off the hook for stealing his food that one night.

_You're never going to be off the hook, Allen._ I make sure to remind myself of this, even in the lightest of moments with Kanda.

_"Adequate?" _I still have a smile on my face as I question his sarcasm. "You mean like that soup you made the other day?"

"It wasn't even for you," he shoots back. "But at least mine wasn't salty." I laugh harder this time, remembering a certain time where I'd groggily made some soup for us one morning. It may as well had salt as the only ingredient, because that's all you could taste. Moral of the story: Don't cook anything besides toast until you wake up.

We're once again taken by silence, but I can't stop smiling. The awkwardness of the situation was staring us right in the face, and we were choosing to ignore it with a surprising amount of ease. It feels normal and I feel more alive here than any other place I've been in weeks.

"It's been so long since we've done this," I blurt suddenly, and it takes him by surprise. I see the realization appear on his face, wonder if I should've even mentioned it, but then I see him relax, returning to his calm collectedness he's been maintaining. He nods at me, clearing his throat before speaking.

"It's been six months." This time it's my turn to be surprised. I didn't think for a second he'd kept track, thought he was trying his hardest to forget about it for the sake of staying out of trouble. I couldn't imagine what would happen if anyone knew. I note the way he opens his mouth, closes it, repeats that gesture a few times; knowing he wants to say more and struggling to do so. But I don't want to ruin this moment. I don't want all the violence and harsh reality to kill this, even if I know eventually one or more things will end up doing so anyway. The biggest reason being me.

"Moyashi, you know, I…" Kanda starts, and I know what he's going to say by the look in his eyes. He's waiting to see if I'll let him say it, watching me. My silver eyes connect with his dark ones, and the conversation that's supposed to happen seems like it transfers between us right there. But I want him to say it out loud, not just telepathically. I want it to be real; need it to be more real than silence speaking for us. But somehow even with how much I want to hear everything I've been waiting to hear for the past six months, I know that I don't deserve it, that maybe it could already be too late.

Instead of letting him finish like I know I should, I rise from my seat, leaning closer so he can still hear me. "I'm glad you enjoyed this, Kanda, because I did too." A faint smile touches my lips. "Maybe I should steal your food more often." I leave it as an open statement, mostly because I know it's probably an impossible thing to fulfill. With that, I turn and begin finding my way out of the cafeteria and back to my room, leaving Kanda to himself.

* * *

_A/N: I... didn't know this many people were following this story. And it made me feel extra bad for not updating. I actually have chapters waiting to be uploaded for this story, but I wanted to get a bit ahead so I could set up a schedule. Sadly, that never quite happened because of school, panic attacks, and a lot of fights between friends + family. So in short, I've been completely worn out for the past four or five months orz even when I had time to work on this. I'm so very sorry, believe me, and I will try my hardest to keep updating, but lately I've just not had the patience to touch either stories I've uploaded. _

_Thank you all for the kind reviews, they always help, not matter who it is. I hope I can make up for this long wait somehow, but regardless, I do hope you enjoy this!_


	8. Threadless

I feel ashamed whenever I'm around Kanda now, but it's become something that I could ignore if it meant being able to talk to him. It was sick, but he was the only thing that drowned out the rest of my insane fears.

It's become more and more of a regular thing for him to drop by, if only for a short amount of time, and it often left me more perplexed even though I was delighted every time. I try not to show it, because I don't quite understand it, and I feel like if I don't have a hold on what's going on then I won't be able to save myself from him later.

Today, he doesn't feel like eating, though he looked like he needed to. His skin's paler than usual, and he seems to lack substance for the confident man he makes people believe he is. He's not even what I remembered him to be most of the time, which is scary and even more gut-wrenching because I know it's my fault he's like this. I don't know if I can stand to see him get any worse because there'll be always be that lingering thought.

We'd walked back to one of the lounge rooms a few hours ago instead of his or mine. It was like a silent agreement between both of us not to go to our rooms because of all the memories they held. Neither of us was quite ready to dive into that part of the ocean yet. I'm not quite sure if we'll ever be.

It's odd the way he kind of just shows up. Sometimes we won't even acknowledge each other when we're in the same room, and other times he'll just drop by my front door like we'd planned it. I still don't understand, but somehow I have a feeling that that's the point. I also have to consider that he probably has even less to do now that his garden is destroyed.

It's like he's been destroyed with it, enough to come crawling back to me  
I can feel my gut clench at the thought of it. That can't possibly be true, can it? Kanda always has some kind of hold on himself no matter what he's going through. At least that's what I've witnessed since I've known him. But … if it is true, then how the hell am I supposed to help? Despite what he doesn't know, what he does know about me should be enough to make him go away. He knows who I really am inside and that's anything but good for him.

A tired breath escapes me, and I glance up only when I feel a pair of eyes lock on me. Kanda looks distraught and so far away from here even when his attention is mine. I don't know if it's a good idea to ask since I already know what's up, and he's not very talkative as it is. But my eyes must convey the curiosity anyway, but he just shakes his head dismissively.

It's none of your business, Allen.

"When's the last time you trained, Moyashi?" I wasn't expecting this, and internally cringe. I think about making something up, but it occurs to me that he'd catch onto my lie simply because he's always in the training room, so I'm doomed.

"Uh…" I begin, but he's already up and moving across the room. That's another thing he does—besides showing up out of nowhere, he also leaves and expects me to follow, as if I can read his mind. Even if I practically can, I'd like verbal clarification, but since it's Kanda I don't dare voice this opinion.

Once we pass the cafeteria and turn left, I know exactly where we're headed. The training room is passed the cafeteria; you have to take a left to get there from the hall we exited. I try to think up some kind of excuse, but ultimately I know there's no way I can wiggle out of this one. God, help me.

As I'm changing it dawns on me that all this is going to be is me thinking about how not to get turned on by anything Kanda does in this room, while simultaneously getting my ass kicked. If I didn't know any better, I'd think he did this on purpose just to get me going. It's a good thing I'm not too shabby with hand to hand combat.

At first we're both stiff [me more, of course]. The apprehension is clear in our technique, even with the amount of skill Kanda possesses. I ruined him once, unbeknownst to him, and somehow I don't think giving my all in this room would do him any good now. I can tell it's pissing him off, but he hasn't said anything so far. He hits, I dodge, he strikes, hits, misses, rinse, repeat, until he pauses to take five, probably to gripe to himself about how lame I'm being.

I turn back to my corner and reassess myself, collecting my wits slowly. I shouldn't be holding back, I know this. Especially with such high regard that I hold for Kanda. The least I could do was give him a challenge, and by the look on his face I know he wants it. It's been a year for holding back, and I'm pretty much done with that now.  
If Kanda wants a challenge, I'll give him one.

The next spar starts boringly again until he throws a sucker punch to the side of my head, making me fall right on my ass. His laughter trickles into the chill air of the room, and I can feel the anger growing inside of me with every second. It ends abruptly when I counter by sliding forward a bit, capturing his legs into mine, bringing him down with me. He grunts as he moves to pin me, but I'm prepared for that, quickly move out of the way so he's vulnerable. Before he has a chance to recover, I cover his body—face down—with mine, pinning his arms behind his back. I can feel the rage of defeat radiating from his very core, and it's almost enough to make me let go out of fear—almost. His harsh breathing in tune with mine makes my stomach flutter, the warmth pooling in my stomach warning enough. I let go before it becomes any more awkward.  
We stand and face each other, and I nod modestly in his direction, but I earn his signature scoff instead. I can feel my face flushing with embarrassment, but the smile emerging from it is enough to make me forget about the reason behind it. Though I'm flustered, I can't help but bask in the small glimmer of victory.

"Again," he says curtly, and I glance down to smooth the fabric of my jeans before we start, but barely have enough time to because he's already charging toward me. I prepare for a punch of some sort but am immediately surprised with a kick to the face. I don't even have time to get away from that one; just have a face full of foot and an ass full of ground once again. I taste the metallic familiarity of blood in my mouth, notice by the smirk on his face that he was waiting to do that for payback. It was obvious he could grab me with that one just because I wouldn't expect it.

I jump back up and regain my composure. He waits this time, and I remember to breathe as he begins to move. He's so swift and poised so perfectly that I can't even fathom how I'm keeping up with him. Each blow I endure with growing strength, find that I'm only staying up because of sheer will. My mental state is currently overcome with awe, nearly throwing my focus, but I'm determined to put up a fight. The adrenaline rush is something I feel privileged to experience. I haven't felt so excited to kick some ass in a while.

I'm once again thrown back as his fist connects with my face, find myself on the ground again, only he does not let me recover. Instead he works toward pinning me like I'd done him a few rounds ago. Oh, hell no, I think to myself and reach up to grab his wrists. I curse my shorter legs, now tangled with his in an extreme effort to overpower him. I need to prove to myself that I still got it, that I've still got something to put to my name that isn't sickening to think about.

I can feel my will starting to slack from exhaustion, Kanda nearly at victory, and the very thought drives me on its own. I almost want to cry out as I do this, but I don't have enough breath left in me to do so. My leg slips up and my knee barely pokes his rear, but it's enough to throw him off and allow me to roll him over. I make sure to pin his arms above his head this time and we end with me looming over him, both breathing hard like we'd just run a marathon together. I feel like I might collapse at any moment, but instead I just smile down at him until he begins to wriggle impatiently under me. He's refusing to let me enjoy this, but I still can't help it.

Just as I'm about to get up, the doors burst open, crashing rather loudly against the training room walls. I only have time to look up and see Lavi's tall, slender form walk into the room. I immediately jump up and try to create distance between Kanda and I, who remains on the floor glaring at Lavi. I feel nervous and quite embarrassed, knowing he'll probably get the wrong idea about this. I know I'm too late to make an effort to tell him what was going on, because he's still looking from me to Kanda with the goofiest of smiles. His single emerald eye is taking in all the detail, and I'm sure I'll get an earful about this later.

"… Well, well, guys." Lavi starts clapping his hands slowly together, throwing us both a suggestive look. I turn to look at Kanda, who's finally gotten to his feet. He doesn't even make eye contact with me, just begins to walk toward the door. He leaves quickly and without a word, and every sense in my mind is telling me to follow his stubborn ass, so I do.

I brush past Lavi with an apologetic glance before jogging down the hall to catch up with Kanda, who's already rounded the corner. I'm out of breath and beginning to feel my bones start to ache, don't even know how I'm moving right now. I don't know where he's decided to go but I also don't want to just leave it on that awkward note.

"Kanda, wait up," I say, finding strength to speak. I reach out and grab his shoulder, prompting him to turn and look at me. He turns, glaring at me with daggers. I smile sheepishly, look past him briefly. "What's wrong?"  
He refuses to look at me for a few moments which is frustrating, and when he looks back his eyes are full of rage and betrayal mixed with something like accusation.

"Why didn't you let me finish speaking the other day?" He speaks with such force that it's almost intimidating enough to make me not answer. It takes me a few seconds to understand his reference, but even then I feel like I could be wrong.

"What are you talking about?"

"You know what I mean. You knew I was going to apologize and you didn't let me. Why would you do that?!" He's practically screaming this at me, and after looking around for bystanders I decide it'd be safer to talk in a more secluded area. I open the door nearest to us which thankfully is open and vacant. Once it shuts behind me, we're facing each other again and I'm still trying to think of something to say.

"Because it's… useless to bring up the past."

"Bull shit. You and I both know you've been waiting to hear what I was going to say. Why do you do this? Why do you let me come into your life and steal everything you know away, and take nothing in return? Why do you torture yourself this way?"

I'm almost speechless as I listen to these words fall out of his mouth, and instantly the guilt comes washing over me again. I have to think fast or I'll lose my chance.

"Couldn't I ask you the same?" I start quiet. I don't even realize how angry his words make me until I'm further into my sentence. "Why have you done this to me if you know it's hurting me? Why don't you just leave me to drown in my sorrow?"

My words hang in the air, silence slipping between us. I'm still trying to register it all, still trying to understand, and that must be written all over my face. I don't understand what he's doing or why he's doing it. He doesn't seem to get why we can't do this, why I can't do this with him. I know that if I accept this then it means we'll be on our way right back where we started which is exactly where we don't need to be. It'll only end with one of us in tears.

Kanda opens his mouth to speak, closes it a few times, struggling for words. I wait for him to say something; anything to clear the fog in my mind, but instead of him speaking he just leans in and kisses me. I feel the harsh familiarity of his mouth crushing into mine; my hand

instinctively reaching up to hold his face. He doesn't waste time starting slow and shallow, just goes all in and leaves nothing behind. No subtle hints or confusing gestures, just this kiss that's so passionate and lights me up with each passing second until I'm craving it more and more even after he's pulled away.

My silver eyes connect with his dark ones, and I have absolutely no idea what I should say next. But even if I did, I'd have no time to say it, because he's already turning around and walking out the door.

I stand there, breathing slowly for a while, wondering if that really did happen. My body is frozen in place, not wanting to leave this spot quite yet. Confusion, a bit of anger, guilt, sadness; all of it wells up inside my body, but the one that weighs all of those out is genuine happiness. I thought I'd never get to experience that again, and now that I have I feel completely made. I look to my left, spot a chair and plop down into it. My head is throbbing and my heart is pounding, fingers slowly reaching up to my lips to faintly touch the plump flesh. I pull them away, biting my lip in attempt to hide the smile that ends up breaking out anyway.

I almost don't believe what just happened happened. But when I go to peel off the sweaty fabric of my shirt stuck to my body, Kanda's scent is undoubtedly fused within the material, making me smile all over again.

I close my eyes, inhaling him once again. "I love you, Kanda," I whisper to myself.

* * *

_A/N: "I'm a piece of shit," I say to myself as I upload a chapter a million years after the previous one was uploaded. _

_As always, thank you for sticking with me even though I fucking suck at being diligent orz_


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